Ballad of the Defeated

There is a strange sense of peace that flows through me, past the dull nudge of the headache that’s been gnawing me for hours, past the fight that my eyelids go through to stay awake, past the sluggish mush that is my brain process, past the realisation that I am going to bitterly regret staying up this late, past the fear that I am going to flunk the test that probably happens tomorrow, the one I have not studied for, past the cluelessness of what I am doing and why I am doing what I am doing, this strange peace is lukewarm and soothing, like rooibos or chamomile tea- the kind from straining tea leaves and not teabags.
I wonder why I have lapsed into long monolouges of neverending sentences for the past few months, unable to write normal sentences and normal prose- beautiful and poetic, yet of an average length, in direct contrast to the only two binaries that I seem to be restricted to these past few months, probably signifying the death of creativity in my head, or rather the contrary; the pent up emotions bursting out in spurts, because all I can write are rants, rants that lack a breather, or reports, presentations, documents containing citations, proposals for clients, these are the two poles in which my vocabulary has come to exist.
Keeping busy, constantly, incessantly, voluntarily and involuntarity, is a song on loop that my life has become, a playlist that is punctuated with bitter black, black coffee that comes in those intervals like ads between videos, always at the wrong time, with the autoplay on cuz if I stop, stand still, it would all come crashing down- the ever pronounced pointlessness of my existence, a stick with no carrot, a carrot pumped with poison, like all the food I eat and all the heavy metal laded water I drink from plastic bottles as I look out of the window of my car that drives down the road, past the roadkill that has bled and suffered unspeakably; lucky still I feel it was to have died, to have left, to have been claimed by the elements- man-made and the otherwise- and the universe.

Img Source: Fox Más. Saved from rainbowsofcolours.tumblr.com

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